Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Enough Vampire Posts; Here's My Life

Editor's Note: After I posted this blog post, I realized that the google ads on my blog changed to "Do you have ADHD?", "The Best ADHD Medication!", and "Are you addicted to Drugs?" Hahaha.
My dear friend, Carrie Ott, sent this blog post to me from Hyperbole-and-a-half. I swear, if I had a little better literary humor in me, I could have written this blog post myself. The following post is me on a daily basis, true story.


I am NOT a Drug Addict So Stop Thinking That if You Were and Don't Start Thinking it if You Weren't Already, Okay?
Okay, so I got a check in the mail.
I think that ADHD could be diagnosed more accurately if psychiatrists took a look at how their patients react when presented with a sum of money which can only be accessed after completion of a multi-step task, like going to the bank. Normal people go to the bank to deposit their checks without pausing to feel completely overwhelmed by such a simple process. People with ADD have a much harder time with this task.
A Detailed Analysis of What it's Like Having Severe, Uncontrolled ADHD (and Probably Several Other Undiagnosed Psychological Issues) and Also Needing to Deposit Money in Your Bank Account so That You Can Afford to Purchase More ADHD Medication: A True Story
Step 1: Receive check in mail. Open check. Look at it and think "Oh good. Now I can buy my ADHD medication" because you ran out of ADHD medication three days ago.
Step 2: Get distracted by a flash of light outside. Think that maybe it's lightning. Be excited. Set check on the nearest available horizontal surface which sometimes turns out to be the floor and run to your window. Realize that what you thought was lightning was actually just the headlights of a car that turned onto your street. Feel disappointed, but not for long because now you are in the kitchen and that reminds you that you are hungry. Make a sandwich. Stand in kitchen eating sandwich because your brain cannot be bothered to find a place to sit.
Step 3: Finish sandwich, crumple up dirty napkin and set on counter because your brain cannot be bothered to a) notice that you are holding a dirty napkin, b) think "I don't want this, what do I do with it?" c) come up with a plausible solution to that question and d) take action on whatever solution you come up with. No, instead your brain becomes vaguely aware that you are holding something and that you don't want to hold it anymore because you need your hands to rearrange the magnetic words on your refrigerator into the phrase "monkey butt suck." The fact that you are holding a dirty napkin which should be thrown away doesn't even register. Just "hands full, must empty hands." The simplest solution is to set whatever is in your hands on the nearest horizontal surface just like you did with the check which you have forgotten about entirely.
Step 4: Rearrange magnets to say "enormous mountain tits." This reminds you that you do not have enormous mountain tits. In fact, you don't really have any tits to speak of whatsoever. Feel briefly ashamed of this. Wonder if you will ever get boobs. Start fantasizing about breast enhancement surgery and how you would totally do it if you had enough money. Almost remember that you need to deposit a check in the bank. Don't. Instead, start thinking about the chemical properties of Silicone. Try to recall the exact position of every element in the periodic table to see if you are still smart. Get as far as Germanium and be unable to proceed. Realize that you have to pee really, really bad. Get up, go to the bathroom and time yourself as you pee. Notice that you are out of toilet paper. Panic. Contemplate wiping with the shower curtain - no one would ever notice. Hear Boyfriend unlock door. Be happy that you don't have to wipe with the shower curtain even though you probably wouldn't have done it anyway. Yell for Boyfriend to bring you Kleenex or a paper towel. When Boyfriend brings it to you, he says "Are we out of toilet paper?" You say "Yeah." Boyfriend says "Is it your turn to buy it or mine?" Be unable to remember. Start hating civilization for burdening you with the responsibility of purchasing personal-hygiene products. Start thinking about paper. Paper is weird. We use money, which is made out of paper, to buy toilet paper, which is also made out of paper. We are trading paper for different paper. Almost remember that checks are also made out of paper and that you have one and you need to go trade it in for different paper which you can then trade for a different kind of paper still.
Step 5: Ask Boyfriend about his day. Boyfriend tells you about his day and then asks you how your day was. You say "what?" because you were distracted by thinking about words. Boyfriend asks again and you say "good. I didn't do much." Think about what exactly you did do. You sat on the couch and read Craigslist personals for three hours then you took a shower and got the mail. Almost remember that there was a check in the mail and that you need to go put it in the bank. Don't.
Step 6: Boyfriend finds envelope that check used to be in because you dropped it on the floor as soon as you noticed there was something more interesting inside. He says "Allie, did you get a check in the mail?" You say "Oh yeah! I did!" Boyfriend says "Where is it?" You say "Uhhhhhhh..." Boyfriend says "Really?" You say "I'll find it."
Step 7: Look for check. Look on the counter (of course failing to notice the dirty napkin that is still sitting there), look on the couch, look on the TV - even look in the refrigerator because sometimes you put things in there inadvertently. Finally find check on the floor next to a pile of shoes. Triumphantly declare that you have found the check.
Step 8: Hand check to Boyfriend. He'll know what to do with it. Boyfriend uses one of your word magnets to attach check to refrigerator.
Step 9: Spend the next 10 days noticing check on the refrigerator and contemplating whether or not you should take it to the bank. Start thinking about all of the steps involved: First, you'd have to brush your hair and put on real pants, then you'd have to find the car keys and your wallet - neither of which is easy to do - then you'd have to walk out to the car, get in, start the car and do a three-point turn to get out of the ridiculously tight spot that you are in. THEN you'd have to drive to the bank which is on the other side of town and there are stoplights and left turns involved. And when you actually got to the bank? You'd have to wait in line and then figure out what to say to the teller so you don't sound like an idiot for never remembering how to deposit a check. And you would almost definitely be informed of several overdraft fees that you have incurred as a result of your negligence. Then you'll leave the bank clutching all of twenty dollars that you were allowed to keep after paying off your overdraft fees. Then you'd have to drive all the way back home through the stoplights and left turns and pedestrians and other drivers. And for what? Twenty dollars?
Step 10: Get hungry. Realize that you need money to buy food. Do some calculations and figure out that twenty dollars could actually buy a hell of a lot of noodles. Almost go to bank.
Step 11: Finally decide that you want to go to the bank. Remember that it is Sunday but only after driving all the way to the bank.
Step 12: Be so mentally exhausted from your Sunday excursion that you feel unable to try again on Monday. Rationalize this by telling yourself "well, at least I tried..."
Step 13: Be hit by the reality that trying to deposit a check in the bank means nothing when it comes to actually being able to purchase food. Ask Boyfriend if he will drive you to the bank. Boyfriend reminds you that he works like a real person and therefore will be unable to drive you to the bank. Boyfriend reminds you that you also have a driver's license and a right foot. Assure Boyfriend that you will use both of those things to get yourself to the bank tomorrow.
Step 14: Tomorrow comes. Think about going to the bank. Tell yourself that you'll do it at noon. When noon rolls around, make up some excuse about being in the middle of writing a blog post and reschedule your bank trip for 2:00. At 2:00, be completely engrossed in something trivial. Forget that you told yourself you would go to the bank at 2:00. At 3:30, remember that you had planned to go to the bank at 2:00. Think "Well, it's 3:30 now and the bank closes at 5:00... by the time I got there, it would probably be too late anyway..."
Step 15: Boyfriend asks for the seventeenth time whether you went to the bank. And, for the seventeenth time, you have to make up some tenuous excuse about how something came up even though nothing came up because there is no possible way that you could be busy at this stage in your life. Finally, Boyfriend offers to use his lunch break to drive you to the bank tomorrow. Feel guilty, but also relieved. Offer to make Boyfriend a sandwich so that he can still eat lunch while driving you to the bank.
Step 16: Hear Boyfriend unlocking the door and remember that you were supposed to make him a sandwich. Sprint into the kitchen and put some bacon in the microwave so that you can look like you were caught in the middle of preparing his lunch.
Step 17: Finish making sandwich. Ask Boyfriend if he wants to hear what you wrote on your blog. Boyfriend reluctantly agrees. Read Boyfriend the longest blog post ever and then read all of your comments to him. Boyfriend will be too nice to interrupt you, so just keep reading things as long as you like.
Step 18: Boyfriend finally asks "so are we still going to the bank?" You say "I don't know, should we?" Boyfriend says "Yes" and you realize that when he said "are we still going to the bank," it wasn't so much a question as a prompt.
Step 19: Do not brush hair. Do not put on real pants. Leave the house in a stained sweatshirt that says "Spud's" and a pair of large soccer shorts. Wear slippers.
Step 20: Feel really, really, really, really nervous about going to the bank - what if you actually do have overdraft charges? What if they tell you that you owe them a thousand dollars? What if someone decides to rob the bank while you are there and they shoot you in the head? What if you get in a car accident on the way to the bank and Boyfriend dies and it's all your fault for making him drive you to the bank? What if the collections bureau is at the bank waiting for you and they try to collect all of the medical bills that you owe them right then and there but you only have one hundred dollars so they kill you and use your skin as a bowler's hat - because I would imagine that all collections officers wear bowler's hats.
Step 21: Deposit check without any complications whatsoever.
Step 22: Ask Boyfriend if he can drive you to the pharmacy so you can drop off your prescription for ADD medication. Boyfriend agrees but tells you that he is already going to be late for work, so you should hurry. On the way to the pharmacy, realize that you look like you are some degenerate drug whore and that you fully intend to purchase highly regulated drugs while looking like that. Start to become paranoid that the pharmacist will not believe you when you tell her that you have ADHD. Begin to fear that she will think you are just trying to buy amphetamines to turn a quick dollar on the street.
Step 23: Arrive at Walgreen's. Walk to the back where the pharmacy is. As soon as the pharmacist's desk is within view, notice that there is a very old lady with a walker who is going to get in line before you if you don't hurry. Break into a jog. Arrive at the pharmacist's desk at the exact same time as the old lady. Be overcome with guilt for breaking into a jog to beat out an old woman to fill your prescription for legalized speed. Let the old woman go first. This will be a mistake because the old woman has a question which she feels the need to discuss at length with the pharmacist. Be angry. Hate yourself for being angry at some poor old woman who just needs to ask a question about her medication. Hate God for putting this woman in front of you at such an inconvenient time. Hate Boyfriend for being late and making you feel rushed and therefore primed for old-person-hating.
Step 24: When it's finally your turn, be distracted thinking about hate. The pharmacist will say "Can I help you??" In a disgruntled tone of voice. Snap back to reality and half-jog, half-shuffle up to the counter in an effort to look like you are actually trying to hurry even though you can't be bothered to actually run.
Step 25: Be woefully inadequate at interacting with the pharmacist. Feel like she is definitely suspicious of you for trying to purchase such a highly regulated drug. Try your hardest to not look like someone who would buy ADD medication to sell on the street. Try to work big words into the conversation because maybe if the pharmacist thinks you are smart, she will be less suspicious of you. When the pharmacist asks you for your address and phone number, be temporarily frozen by fear and unable to recall this vital information. Now the pharmacist definitely will think that you just found your prescription lying on the ground and now you are trying to capitalize on it by turning it in, getting some amphetamines and selling them on the street. Be too distracted by your crazy paranoia to actually work on remembering your address and phone number. Panic. Try harder to remember your stupid address. Start wondering how long you have been sitting there trying to remember your address and phone number and whether you will be able to recover from this obvious display of criminal guilt should you actually succeed in recalling your information. Finally remember you address. Say it in the calmest tone of voice possible - a tone of voice that no one with a speed addiction would ever be able to adopt. Speak very slowly so as to give the impression that there is no possible way that you are high on speed. Feel so relieved at remembering your address that you remember your phone number too! Say "So, do you want my phone number now?" because no drug addict would ever volunteer that information and you have basically proven your innocence by doing so. Feel pretty good about yourself until the pharmacist asks for your insurance card. Be unable to find insurance card. Finally remember that you don't have insurance. Tell the pharmacist. The pharmacist will look annoyed, like you not having insurance is some sort of personal affront. Make some sort of connection in your head about how not having insurance will definitely make the pharmacist think that you are a drug dealer.
Step 26: The pharmacist will inform you that you can wait 20 minutes for your prescription or you can come back later. Ask what time they close. The pharmacist says 10:00. Say that you'll come back later.
Step 27: Get dropped off at home by Boyfriend, who is very, very late for work. Feel guilty. Feel incompetent. Make some popcorn and read Best of Craigslist until Boyfriend gets home again. Re-watch the movie that you rented the night before. When it's over, watch it again with the commentary on. At 8:30 PM, remember that you have to go to the pharmacy to pick up your medication before 10:00. Watch the rest of the commentary.
Step 28: Go into the bathroom to brush your hair because you definitely don't want to give the pharmacist the wrong impression a second time. Wonder if you remember how to french-braid. Try to french-braid your hair. Fail at braiding, but succeed at making your hair a matted mess befitting a drug addict. Notice that it is 9:36 PM. Bring your brush with you in the car so that you can make yourself look less like a junkie on the way.
Step 29: Start to worry that the last-minute nature of your pharmacy visit will further arouse the suspicions of the pharmacist. Be almost unable to make yourself go inside.
Step 30: Walk confidently back to the pharmacy area. Accidentally look at a surveillance camera and berate yourself for looking like you have a reason to care whether or not you are being videotaped. Try to act nonchalant. Stop to look at the expensive lotion, like maybe you didn't go to the pharmacy at 9:45 just to pick up amphetamine-based drugs. Finally make your way back to the pharmacist. Luckily, this is a different pharmacist than before. Be overly willing to show this pharmacist your ID. Leave your wallet open on the counter so the pharmacist can see that the name on your driver's license matches the name on your credit card. This will surely prove that you didn't just find your prescription in the street.
Step 31: Pharmacist will say "Do you have any questions about this medication?" You say "Not unless anything has changed!" Because you want the pharmacist to know that you are intimately familiar with this medication because you actually take it, but only as prescribed by your doctor and you don't sell it to teenagers.
Step 32: Go home. Feel exhausted. Ignore the fact that you are sleepy. Stay up until 4:00 AM reading Craigslist and The Bloggess. Fall asleep when you are unable to keep your eyes open any longer. Wake up at 5:00 AM and panic because you are downstairs on the couch and the front door isn't locked and what if there is a serial killer in your house now?
Step 33: Go check all of your locks several times, not neglecting the windows and the door to your creepy cellar.
Step 34: When you are finally almost positive that no one can get in the house, begin the process of making sure that no one is hiding in the house already. Check in closets, behind doors, under the sink, in the fucking stove and under your laundry pile. Be too afraid to check the cellar. Put something heavy on top of the cellar door and go up to bed. Close your bedroom door, lock it and move something heavy in front of it. Realize that you have to pee. Try to hold it, but have to pee badly enough that you cannot go to sleep. Finally get up and move the chest of drawers away from the door, unlock the door and go pee. Return to your room, check the closet again because maybe someone got in there while you were in the bathroom and once you are satisfied that there is no one else in your room, aside from Boyfriend who is doubtlessly annoyed by your paranoid behavior, close the door, lock it and push the chest of drawers in front of it again. Fall asleep.
Step 35: Wake up at 11:00 AM, take your ADD medication (as prescribed by your doctor) and suddenly be able to write a blog post!
Step 36: Be unable to remember how you planned to end you blog post. Get distracted. Start googling shit. Find out that paranoia is a side effect of amphetamine abuse. Feel that you need to defend yourself and the fact that you have always been paranoid even before you got into drugs started taking ADHD medication lest your readers put the pieces together and think that you are addicted to drugs.
I'm not addicted to drugs, by the way.
P.S. I might post something else today to make up for my inattention and also to prove that I am not addicted to drugs because what kind of drug addict would write two blog posts in one day?
If you didn't follow that logic, just know that I am not addicted to drugs and that somehow what I just said back there proves it.
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